How Not To Be A Fall Girl (Metro, 26th Nov 2015)


J-Law can’t help hitting the deck. Fellow klutz Amy Dawson shares her pain…

As Katniss Everdeen, she’s super-slick with her bow and arrow. But in real life, Jennifer Lawrence has proved herself inept at even walking, having taken her third major red carpet tumble – this time at the Madrid premiere of the final
Hunger Games movie.

Some have speculated the gorgeous star is tripping up on purpose to bolster her down-to-earth reputation. However, fellow clumsy girls – myself included – will know that it really is possible to be that klutzy. And with Christmas party season approaching, we should be ready for a fall (or five).

Being a Christmas Party Clumso isn’t about being drunk – though mulled wine never did anyone with limited spatial awareness any good. I’m equally capable of walking into a door frame when stone-cold sober at 11am and have numerous bruises to prove it.

As Lawrence’s co-star Liam Hemsworth said of her: ‘She’s terrible at walking.’ Nevertheless, factor high heels, over-excitement and booze into the mix and the festive season becomes a bit like getting through the Gauntlet on Gladiators.

Truly clumsy girls can’t tell a story in a pub without gesturing wildly and hitting someone in the eye with a cocktail ring; can’t eat a canapé without dropping it into their cleavage; and should never be allowed to take a glass on to the dancefloor for a number of obvious reasons.

My finest Christmas calamity hour saw me leaning on a set of swinging saloon doors while draped in tinsel before flying straight through on to the floor, exactly in the manner of Del Boy falling through the bar in Only Falls And Horses. ‘It’s Christmas,’ I ‘explained’ as I dusted myself off, wincing discreetly.

If this is sounding all-too familiar to you, fear not – there are ways to navigate the most magical (and most accident-prone) time of year with flair. Avoid spike heels the way a snowman avoids a four-bar heater; stick to dry food stuffs; and remember, sequins hide a multitude of stains. If all else fails, pray you at least get a hot doctor in A&E.

Above all, style it out (even if internally mortified). Make like Lawrence when asked about stumbling up the stairs on the way to collect her Oscar for Silver Linings Playbook. ‘On purpose?’ she quipped with a bright grin. ‘Yes!’ After all, ’tis the season to be jolly – not to stand neatly in a corner.